Etiquette Equals Kindness

Etiquette provides us with a code of conduct that has its roots in hospitality, respect and graciousness. The purpose of etiquette is to make everyone feel included. An example could be offering a visitor a glass of water. How about being cognizant of other people’s time through punctuality. At a multilingual table the protocol is to speak in a common language, or at minimum to translate parts of the conversation so that no one feels excluded. Dress codes exist to also facilitate inclusion, whether it’s a school uniform or a black tie event (all men look great in tuxedos). In wearing a uniform, all are included, if only for a few hours: whether a banker, student or construction worker, they become equal.

Table manners are esthetic. Sometimes inclusion is about not sticking out and being pleasant company warranting inclusion. Adhering to the code grants inclusion. In fact, it is the hostess’ duty to make sure that everyone feels at ease and included around her table. To that extent, if a guest happens to drink from the finger bowl she must duplicate the mistake to save the guest from embarrassment. This is when etiquette becomes kindness. On a grander scale, I have also heard (even though I haven’t been able to find supporting documentation) that at the royal court of Spain, when one Infanta was limping the ladies in waiting would also limp. This too is an act of kindness.

The subtlety of etiquette from the old world is non-existent in the new world of cyber space. It’s the preverbal Wild West: a tongue-lashing, video posting, lawless place where people can hide behind their screen from a safe distance and hurl insults and slander at people they do not know, on subjects they know nothing about. People need to feel they are being heard, so they spew venom from their keyboards without stopping to think what they are doing, or if they have all their facts straight.

Because of its anonymity, people participate in debates to voice their opinion just to be heard in a public forum. They vent freely in the most aggressive way. Even during political debates, candidates vehemently opposed to one another can have the courtesy to look each other in the eye and challenge each other through discourse. In a public debate people can take turns and offer rebuttals in real time, verbally; not in black and white text masquerading as a document with credence, stuck out there in space forever traceable on search engines.

Bullying has terrible and dangerous consequences, whether taking place in a schoolyard or on the Internet. The rise in stories we hear about bullies is proof of this. Children are bullies because they learned this attitude from adults around them; it’s not coincidental.

People vent without questioning, and opinions of dubious importance on subjects they have a shallow knowledge of are vomited onto the Internet without concern or consequence. Because it is anonymous, people forget their manners and think they can be atrociously rude because they do not have to face the person, nor do they take the time to question.

Jennifer Livingston at CBS affiliate channel 8 WKBT in Wisconsin, received a nasty e-mail from a man, Kenneth W. Krause, condemning her for being obese, telling her she was “a bad example for young people, young girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst decisions a person can make.” This is a super successful career woman who delivers the news to thousands of people each night, runs 5k races, is happily married with a family and is a great role model who happens to suffer from a thyroid condition. Upon being confronted for his attack with the full story, and invited to come on the show to speak with Mrs. Livingston and the public face to face, he declined to go on air. He still made no apology but released a statement standing his ground.

I have been on the receiving end of garbage being hurled by ill-informed masses. It can be hurtful unless, of course, one is reminded they are ill-informed masses that will say anything to be heard, even when they have nothing to say. They are bullies and cowards who use the screen as their shield because they would never have the guts to inquire directly at the source to make sure they had their facts straight, synthesize that information and then, if still unsatisfied, question before arguing. Etiquette is also kindness. Hopefully, legality and etiquette will have a closer relationship as protocols are set in place for how people behave on the Internet. I am one hundred percent behind freedom of speech and access to information. But I also know, that unless it is written in black and white, not to shout into your cell phone in a restaurant, theater or quiet car on a train, people will.

All new technologies take a little getting used to before protocols are put forth; the Internet unfortunately seams no different. The cyber world is the last frontier of our society, but soon there will be controls for privacy, intellectual property and international laws. These are some of the regulations being proposed. As a person in the media, this breaks my heart. Given the choice, I would vote to veto this legislation, but the problem is that people just don’t seem to be able to play nice in the sand box.